Your Luxurious European Vacation Awaits .... in Missouri

With the holiday season coming up, you may be thinking of traveling. We’re here to tell you a sumptuous European vacation may not be so far away. After all, there’s a long list of towns a short drive from St. Louis whose names come with a global reputation as luxury destinations, such as Paris, Venice and Modena.

Unfortunately, these towns are in Missouri — and nearly all are pronounced incorrectly. While they may not boast the same charm and opulence as their European dupes, you’d at least have the bragging rights to say you visited beautiful Rolling Hills in the countryside near Versailles over holiday break. Just hope no one asks for any specific details.

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GlasgowGlasgow, Scotland, may be on the scenic banks of the River Clyde, but Glasgow, Missouri, can provide a new view of the Missouri River. Plus it doesn’t get dark at 3:30 p.m. in the winter. That’s got to be worth a few points.
Glasgow
Glasgow, Scotland, may be on the scenic banks of the River Clyde, but Glasgow, Missouri, can provide a new view of the Missouri River. Plus it doesn’t get dark at 3:30 p.m. in the winter. That’s got to be worth a few points.
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AmsterdamYou can’t smoke pot here nearly as freely as you could in the Amsterdam across the pond, but in a town of just a couple hundred people, who’s around to notice?
Amsterdam
You can’t smoke pot here nearly as freely as you could in the Amsterdam across the pond, but in a town of just a couple hundred people, who’s around to notice?
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VeniceVenice, Italy, is way over-traveled — you’re actually hurting its delicate canal ecosystem and pissing off the locals by visiting. Venice, Missouri, on the other hand, is far less adored and documented, to the point that the only pic we could find of this place was of a schoolhouse in the same county. You could literally put this place on the map. A tourist in Venice, Italy couldn't say the same.
Venice
Venice, Italy, is way over-traveled — you’re actually hurting its delicate canal ecosystem and pissing off the locals by visiting. Venice, Missouri, on the other hand, is far less adored and documented, to the point that the only pic we could find of this place was of a schoolhouse in the same county. You could literally put this place on the map. A tourist in Venice, Italy couldn't say the same.
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ParisForget croissants and macarons. Gas station pizza awaits in Paris, Missouri.
Paris
Forget croissants and macarons. Gas station pizza awaits in Paris, Missouri.
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Versailles Versailles, Missouri, may lack a decadent 17th-century French palace, but what this small town of just a couple thousand souls does have is 10 churches — more than gas stations, grocery stores or even schools.
FLICKR/KOMU NEWS
Versailles
Versailles, Missouri, may lack a decadent 17th-century French palace, but what this small town of just a couple thousand souls does have is 10 churches — more than gas stations, grocery stores or even schools.
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ViennaOutstretching your arms and twirling Julie Andrews-style is just as satisfying in the farmland of Vienna, Missouri as it is in the alps of Austria, right?
FLICKR/TOM WICKER
Vienna
Outstretching your arms and twirling Julie Andrews-style is just as satisfying in the farmland of Vienna, Missouri as it is in the alps of Austria, right?
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MilanYour trend-setting fashion would be much more impressive at the next American Legion meeting in Milan, Missouri, than it would to the snobby fashionistas in the streets of Milan, Italy.
FLICKR/JEROME G
Milan
Your trend-setting fashion would be much more impressive at the next American Legion meeting in Milan, Missouri, than it would to the snobby fashionistas in the streets of Milan, Italy.
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WarsawWarsaw, Poland, may have an historic Old Town, castles and countless historic landmarks, but the Army Corps of Engineers kindly invites you to view the Harry S. Truman Dam in Warsaw, Missouri. It’s the largest flood-control reservoir in the state! That’s just as fun… right?
FLICKR/MOBIKEFED
Warsaw
Warsaw, Poland, may have an historic Old Town, castles and countless historic landmarks, but the Army Corps of Engineers kindly invites you to view the Harry S. Truman Dam in Warsaw, Missouri. It’s the largest flood-control reservoir in the state! That’s just as fun… right?
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ModenaAs far as we can tell, there is literally nothing in Modena, Missouri. So here’s a pic of the pasta you’d find in Modena, Italy, and not in its Missouri counterpart. Once you visit the Show-Me Modena, please report back, OK?
FLICKR/GAIL
Modena
As far as we can tell, there is literally nothing in Modena, Missouri. So here’s a pic of the pasta you’d find in Modena, Italy, and not in its Missouri counterpart. Once you visit the Show-Me Modena, please report back, OK?
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A close up of a cotton field.
SARAH LOVETT
Como
Como is an unincorporated community in Missouri’s Bootheel. While you won’t find upscale Italian resorts around Lake Como, much less George and Amal Clooney, there are sweeping views of a different kind of wealth — cotton fields.
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LisbonThis place doesn’t look that bad, actually…
FLICKR/SHOTAKU
Lisbon
This place doesn’t look that bad, actually…
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VichyIt seems there's not much more in Vichy, Missouri, than a post office. Except maybe this rusty old truck. But we’re pretty sure the Missouri iteration is not internationally synonymous with Nazi collaboration, so score one for the Show Me State.
Vichy
It seems there's not much more in Vichy, Missouri, than a post office. Except maybe this rusty old truck. But we’re pretty sure the Missouri iteration is not internationally synonymous with Nazi collaboration, so score one for the Show Me State.
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ManchesterEveryone knows vacationing in the strip mall jungle of a St. Louis County suburb is just as much fun as visiting a bustling English city!
GOOGLE MAPS
Manchester
Everyone knows vacationing in the strip mall jungle of a St. Louis County suburb is just as much fun as visiting a bustling English city!
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New LondonYou’ll definitely want to put this place on your travel schedule. Or should we say SHED-ual?
New London
You’ll definitely want to put this place on your travel schedule. Or should we say SHED-ual?
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HollandDefinitely no tulips, windmills or really much else other than a water tower here.
Holland
Definitely no tulips, windmills or really much else other than a water tower here.
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New MadridSpoiler alert: It doesn’t look new. And it doesn’t look like Madrid. But Madrid, Spain, doesn't have a historic earthquake that bears its name, so we'll call this one a draw.
WIKIMEDIA/CNGODLES
New Madrid
Spoiler alert: It doesn’t look new. And it doesn’t look like Madrid. But Madrid, Spain, doesn't have a historic earthquake that bears its name, so we'll call this one a draw.
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