The Types of Guys You Date in St. Louis

By Riverfront Times Staff on Fri, Jan 13, 2023 at 2:02 pm

If you've ever sat on your couch on a Friday night endlessly swiping on Tinder, Hinge or whatever the dating apps are these days, you'll know that dating is a hellscape. And St. Louis is no exception.

From the "St. Louis Blues Guy" to the "Cherokee Street Guy," these are the types of men you'll find in St. Louis. They're not all bad, but some of them will make you want to pack up and move to another city.

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@dva41 / Flickr

He lives on or near Cherokee Street, and he never goes anywhere else. Yes, it’s cool that he can buy his groceries and his clothes on the same street that he finds his nighttime entertainment, but he forgets that there is a bigger world out there. (Probably because he doesn’t have a car.) He’ll look pretty normal in his profile picture, but once you get to know him you’ll see that all he really wears is a “Property of the City of St. Louis” T-shirt and that he has an alcohol problem. Good luck.

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@ortlip / Flickr

If you don’t like the Blues, you may still run across this guy at Lester’s or some other sports bar during an away game. If you meet him online, his profile says LGB, not to support the LGBTQ community, but to mean Let’s Go Blues. He also has a picture of him near the Stanley Cup and/or him at a Blues Game. Bonus points if his seats look terrible.

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Savannah River Site / Flickr

He probably went to Rolla. Telltale signs you’ve found your very own Engineer Guy are his desire to split the check or take you on “fun and exciting” dates that also happen to be very low-cost (like visiting a park or window shopping on South Grand).

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@chabadlubavitch / Flickr

If you live in St. Charles, this is just a guy. But for all St. Louis city and inner-ring suburb girls, this guy is tricky: He seems normal, but then you probe a little deeper and find out he lives two highways away and is very uninterested leaving St. Charles for anything. With the cost of gas these days you have to wonder if love is worth all that.

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@chris-yunker / Flickr

He probably showed up to your date in khaki shorts, even if (especially if) it’s winter. He wore a hoodie from his high school (any really, but probably Kirkwood or Chaminade) and when he asks, “What school did you go to?” He means high school. He’s been to all of his reunions.

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@istolethetv / Flickr

This guy moved here for work, and he will take St. Louis to task on a few things such as the lack of activity downtown, where he inevitably got his first apartment, and how hard it is to make friends. He either is itching to leave or has decided to settle down. You can tell by asking him his feelings about Imo’s. He will not be on the fence.

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@pagedooley / Flickr

You may not fall for this guy on a dating app (unless you’re from the Metro East), but IRL they look so much like any other guy that you may get snared. If you are a St. Louis girl, you’re in for long drives and a relationship that moves too fast because the only option is to sleep over at his place or your place if you want to hang out. Or a relationship that moves too slow because who wants to always be meeting halfway between St. Louis and Edwardsville?

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Reuben Hemmer

He thinks it’s OK to wear a Cardinals jersey on a date, even if it’s not to a Cardinals game. If you don’t know anything about the team, you will quickly run out of things to talk about. Depending on his age, he will tell you where he was when Mark McGwire hit No. 70 or Albert Pujols hit some kind of milestone home run. He may own bobbleheads. He may also bear a remarkable similarity to St. Louis Blues Guy.

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Tony Alter / Flickr

You can spot him because in his dating profile there will be a picture of him in biker shorts, with a bike somewhere on the Katy Trail. If he is a serious cyclist, he may ask to meet at a cyclist hangout like Cursed Bikes and Coffee. If he’s super serious, he biked to the date and has a bicycle helmet on his person.

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1day Review / Flickr

He is polyamorous but does not mention it on his profile because he wants to improve his chances. (This one is not St. Louis specific but is rather a scourge of the nation.)

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@sakanami / Flickr

He always has a restaurant suggestion, and it’s always good, be it a doner at Balkan Treat Box, picnic fare from Ivy, or great ramen at Menya Rui. Downsides are that he may make fun of chain restaurants you like, and he will struggle to date you if you have a food allergy.

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@nickuzma / Flickr

Each one of these guys is unique. Maybe he has “hug” shaved in the back of his head. Maybe when you say you’re going to run to the restroom, he asks if you have to poop. Maybe when you’re sitting at Vin de Set together enjoying wine he says things like, “You’re almost as smart as me.” (These are fictionalized examples and any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.) But you will not talk to any of them again after the first date.

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@goosmurf / Flickr

Maybe you meet him at Pieces or Game Nite because he’s a board game nerd. Maybe you meet him at Apotheosis Comics cause he’s a comics nerd. Your mileage may vary depending on the model, but the odds of you being mansplained are very high.

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@pasa / Flickr

He’s going to have a picture of him on his motorcycle on his online dating profile. He’s really into grilling. He has opinions on different types of motorcycles and which brand is the best. (He’s a Harley man and thinks other brands are for wussies.) You’ll know you’re in a proper relationship with him when he starts to refer to you as his “old lady.”

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@dinnerseries / Flickr

You ordered a kettle-soured beer at Bluewood Brewing and looked up to find this guy at your side. “I wondered who wanted such an interesting brew,” he’ll say. For the next hour (or a few) he’ll tell you about all the microbreweries in the area that he’s hit up and give you his unfiltered (no fruit in the unfiltered wheat) opinions. Your first date will be at Side Project Cellar. Don’t mention dry January.

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Tony Alter / Flickr

Because you first made contact with this guy on a dating app, you won’t realize that he doesn’t just have a lot of tattoos, but he’s literally covered in them except for his face. “And my ass,” he’ll tell you. Then he says he doesn’t like girls with tattoos. He makes fun of your taste in music. After you part ways, he’ll text saying how much he likes you. You don’t respond.

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Jeremy Keith / Flickr

You’re too young and stupid to know better when he approaches you to “play” with him. He seems intelligent and interesting, but pretty soon he’ll be pitching a threesome with his wife, so you should run out of the Plaza Frontenac Brio screaming.

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@nenadstojkovic / Flickr

This guy is from Webster or Kirkwood or Richmond Heights … one of those normal inner-ring suburbs, and he’s into taking visits to the city. He likes the adventure (and maybe a little "danger") that can be found in the city. He seems kind of bland at first, but he’s just a nice guy from a nice St. Louis-area family. You give it a try.

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@thecampbells / Flickr

This guy is from Massachusetts or one of those other solid-blue-forever states — but that wasn’t for him. He wanted to live in Missourah, so he moved here deliberately. He’s looking for a wife and tells you that part of the reason he’s relocated here is because he wants to raise his kids with Midwestern values. That’s hot.

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@BrotherMagneto / Flickr

There’s lots of wilderness men out there, and they’re all kind of the same. He hikes a lot and invites you to go with him as he loads up his pack on a training jaunt for the PCT in Castlewood, telling you the whole time that the trails here are like nothing compared to Zion. He’s got a collection of packable stoves and a favorite fuel for them. Together, you feast upon MREs, sometimes spiced up with a foraged chanterelle.

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The Types of Guys You Date in St. Louis

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